There's a really poetic message underlying your script idea - but I'm going to be super honest with you and say out right that I don't think your story conveys effectively yet. I have a slight sense that you're bucking against the innate comedy of your three things; trombone, beauty parlour and inventor; you've produced something very important-seeming, and yet I can't quite credit the objects and spaces with the seriousness you're giving them, and I also think it's questionable that the beauty parlour and trombone are actually being used in a truly proactive way. The whole set-up - that we're in a dystopian world of inventors (?) that is somehow uncreative and alienated isn't actually in your script; it's in your knowledge of your story, but not your audiences. Indeed, your script is actually very thin, but is seeking to take on some big themes. In truth, this feels like a story that would be better off without the three components, and that's the problem. Unless you can use Act 1 to articulate the world view and the reason why everyone is an inventor, your story is a bit invisible to everyone else.
It's rare that I chuck a tutor's grenade at an idea, but I honestly think you should start over and look at your 3 components a-fresh. Your current story isn't going to work - at least not from this script. Maybe you're thinking too epic, anyway - bolting on a pre-existing sensibility.
I don't know, but when I see trombone and beauty parlour in the same sentence, my imagination gives me images like this in return:
It just seems there's a nice synch up between the appliances of music and the appliances of beauty; I don't know, perhaps you've got a husband and wife who want different things in life; she wants a beauty parlour, he wants to be in jazz band; or perhaps they never see each other, because she works days and he plays nights in the clubs and bars; anyway, perhaps there's a way that they can combine their interests - music powered beauty parlour, where ladies have their hair down by the wind that comes from the jazz players trombone - that two technologies are spliced (by an inventor? or the man or woman IS the inventor?). The point is, I think you need to work with your components more, and use their connotations more actively - as opposed to postponing their inherent silliness.
Now I'm seeing people being massaged by contraptions connected to the hammers on a piano - like something out of a Heath Robinson illustration:
Perhaps it could be that you've got too rival premises - a beauty parlour and a jazz club; they're in conflict, but somehow, the two businesses end up co-operating; maybe they're forced to share the same space for some reason? Maybe the jazz band rehearse in a room above the beauty parlour?
The point is, while there's something about the poetry of your story idea that I really like, I just don't think it's going to sit happily within a one minute running time... give it some thought and let me know what you think.
OGR 24/01/2013
ReplyDeleteHey Jebb,
There's a really poetic message underlying your script idea - but I'm going to be super honest with you and say out right that I don't think your story conveys effectively yet. I have a slight sense that you're bucking against the innate comedy of your three things; trombone, beauty parlour and inventor; you've produced something very important-seeming, and yet I can't quite credit the objects and spaces with the seriousness you're giving them, and I also think it's questionable that the beauty parlour and trombone are actually being used in a truly proactive way. The whole set-up - that we're in a dystopian world of inventors (?) that is somehow uncreative and alienated isn't actually in your script; it's in your knowledge of your story, but not your audiences. Indeed, your script is actually very thin, but is seeking to take on some big themes. In truth, this feels like a story that would be better off without the three components, and that's the problem. Unless you can use Act 1 to articulate the world view and the reason why everyone is an inventor, your story is a bit invisible to everyone else.
It's rare that I chuck a tutor's grenade at an idea, but I honestly think you should start over and look at your 3 components a-fresh. Your current story isn't going to work - at least not from this script. Maybe you're thinking too epic, anyway - bolting on a pre-existing sensibility.
I don't know, but when I see trombone and beauty parlour in the same sentence, my imagination gives me images like this in return:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_i9i4SumdbBE/Sy9FMzx7ScI/AAAAAAAAAVg/mr-UoXRDO0U/s400/hair-dryer.jpg
It just seems there's a nice synch up between the appliances of music and the appliances of beauty; I don't know, perhaps you've got a husband and wife who want different things in life; she wants a beauty parlour, he wants to be in jazz band; or perhaps they never see each other, because she works days and he plays nights in the clubs and bars; anyway, perhaps there's a way that they can combine their interests - music powered beauty parlour, where ladies have their hair down by the wind that comes from the jazz players trombone - that two technologies are spliced (by an inventor? or the man or woman IS the inventor?). The point is, I think you need to work with your components more, and use their connotations more actively - as opposed to postponing their inherent silliness.
Now I'm seeing people being massaged by contraptions connected to the hammers on a piano - like something out of a Heath Robinson illustration:
http://brimstonesandtreacle.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/heath-robinson-pancake-making-machine.jpg
Perhaps it could be that you've got too rival premises - a beauty parlour and a jazz club; they're in conflict, but somehow, the two businesses end up co-operating; maybe they're forced to share the same space for some reason? Maybe the jazz band rehearse in a room above the beauty parlour?
The point is, while there's something about the poetry of your story idea that I really like, I just don't think it's going to sit happily within a one minute running time... give it some thought and let me know what you think.