Friday, 1 February 2013

@Tutorphil; Storyline - Revision


1 comment:

  1. Hey Jebb - wow! This is a big jump away from your original story idea - which takes courage - and your story just made me smile and smile! The only suggestion I'd make is to somehow show that the beauty parlour is losing business, so that when the new gadget arrives, it's a win/win for both of them, because suddenly the beauty parlour is really busy again... I think you need to drill into the actual moment of realisation for her when she sees him entangled in his contraption; what is it exactly that inspires her to think of using it in her shop?

    Anyway - this is lovely in tone, so onwards, Jebb, onwards! :D

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